The Fragility of Trust: Why It Breaks in Seconds but Takes Years to Rebuild
Some time ago, my family and I lived in a little town in Oklahoma called Moore. I noticed right away that everything there was either brand new or currently being rebuilt. Just a few years before we moved in, a tornado had rampaged through the city, bringing winds that reached 210 mph. The storm lasted only 43 minutes but left behind 24 fatalities, 212 injuries, and an estimated $2 billion in damages.
Years later, we would drive past buildings still under construction, the foundation of a library still being laid, or hear stories from neighbors who had lost everything in a matter of minutes. The destruction was quick, but the rebuilding process was long, slow, and painstaking.
The Aftermath of Betrayal
Two years ago, my 8-year-old daughter broke her arm. She had been riding a zip line when she fell, landing in a way that pinned her arm behind her, snapping her left humerus bone in half.
The fall took only five seconds. But healing? That took months.
• Surgery.
• A cast.
• Nerve damage.
• Physical therapy.
• Learning to trust her arm again.
Even now, two years later, she carries the experience with her. She is stronger, but it changed her.
Trust Works the Same Way
As a marriage and family therapist, I often work with individuals and couples who are struggling in the aftermath of broken trust. Like the tornado in Moore, Oklahoma, betrayal can flatten a person’s entire world. Like my daughter’s broken arm, it can happen in a matter of seconds.
A single lie, an affair, a broken promise, a moment of deep betrayal—it can feel like a stab in the heart. People describe the experience in the same way they would describe physical pain. Their emotions are raw:
• Shock (“I can’t believe this is happening.”)
• Anger (“How could they do this to me?”)
• Sadness (“Was anything real?”)
• Confusion (“What do I do now?”)
• Shame (“Did I miss the signs?”)
The Truth About Broken Trust
Trust is fragile. Once broken, it takes time, effort, and consistency to rebuild.
Betrayal is broken trust. It’s an unfulfilled promise. And when someone has been betrayed, there is often pressure to rush the healing process.
I see it all the time—the betrayer gets impatient. They say things like:
• “I said I was sorry. What more do you want?”
• “That happened months ago. You need to move on.”
• “If you don’t forgive me soon, I don’t know if this relationship will last.”
But trust is not a switch you can flip back on. It’s not a wound that heals in a few weeks. Like a broken bone or a leveled city, it takes time, patience, and careful rebuilding.
Sharing Your Story Without Guilt
One of the hardest things about betrayal is that people often feel guilty for talking about it.
• “I don’t want to make my partner look bad.”
• “I still love them—I don’t want people to judge us.”
• “What if people think I’m weak for staying?”
But here’s the truth: If it happened to you, it is your story to tell.
You can love someone and still be deeply hurt by them. You can want to repair things and still need support. You are allowed to talk about what happened to you, and you are allowed to seek help.
A good therapist won’t take sides. They will hold space for the complexity of your emotions—the love, the pain, the anger, the hope, the uncertainty. You don’t have to carry this alone.
The Path to Rebuilding Trust
Rebuilding trust after betrayal is a slow, gradual process. It requires:
✅ Open communication – Honest, transparent conversations about what happened and what is needed moving forward.
✅ Setting boundaries – Both people must define what is and isn’t acceptable moving forward.
✅ Patience and consistency – Trust is proven through actions over time, not just words.
✅ Forgiveness (if possible) – Forgiveness isn’t about forgetting—it’s about choosing whether to rebuild or release.
✅ Self-care and healing – Whether you stay or leave, you need space to process, grieve, and rebuild yourself.
Healing is Possible
Right now, it might feel impossible. The pain might feel too deep, too sharp, too unbearable.
But trust can be rebuilt. Not overnight, not easily, but with commitment, consistency, and honesty.
And whether the relationship survives or not, you will.
You will heal.
You will rebuild.
You will emerge stronger than before.
And just like Moore, Oklahoma—you will rise again.
If you are struggling with broken trust, know this: You are not alone. You don’t have to rush your healing, and you don’t have to figure this out on your own. Take your time. Get support. And trust that with patience and effort, something new can be built.